It’s been a little over a year since I began working from home, and in that time, I really missed out on one of the employed life’s true treasures: taking a sick day.
Let me be very clear: this is not to say that I have worked every single weekday, 9-5 with uniformly productive results. I have, however, spent every single weekday between the hours of 9 and 5 either working, or feeling really guilty that I am not working.
The true meaning of the legitimate sick day is that - no matter how much physical pain you are in, how sure you are that your sinus cavity is going to explode or how little you can breath out of your right nostril: you have right feel unadulterated joy on an unexpected day off. It’s actually bad to physically or mentally exert yourself in any way that would impede your recovery.
That in mind, I’ve come up with the perfect sick day itinerary (otherwise known as “My Monday going on Tuesday”):
Identify that you are, indeed, sick. We all have different ways of assessing how sick we really are. My litmus is “Would I prefer a mimosa, or a glass of orange juice and a Tylenol Cold and Flu?” If the answer is not mimosa, something is seriously, seriously wrong.
Muster up enough energy to search cable and DVR every episode of Law & Order (preferably SVU, obviously) that will air over the next 48 hours. There will be a lot of them. To make room, feel free to clear any “I should watch this” or “I think my boyfriend/roommate thinks he should watch this” TV show from your DVR that has over 9 episodes backdated (Peace out, Season 2 of Walking Dead).
Go back to sleep. Repeat this step in between episodes of Law & Order as needed throughout the day.
Stock house with all necessary drowsy and non-drowsy medications that you might want over the next week. Bonus if you can do this stocking via home delivery service or doting boyfriend.
Understand that Sudafed is “Meth, Jr.” and commit to not making this the start of your meth addiction.
Insist on absurd amounts of orange juice and chicken soup. There are no proven medical benefits to these things, but it will reinforce the fact that you are, indeed, sick and want sick person things.
When Law & Order gets too heavy, switch to Bravo. There is no risk that anything on Bravo will ever be too heavy.
(Sit) shower several times. Water shortages and saving the planet do not count when you’re sick.
Confirm that the soap opera characters are at the same engagement party they were attending the last time you were sick.
Use sickness as an excuse to have ice cream. It’s good for your throat, or something.
Keep up with the Kardashians. No one can judge you. It came on when you were in the middle of a nap. And you’re sick. More orange juice!
Use non-compound sentences. Compound sentences are too hard.
Go to sleep as early as you want tonight. Sleep as late as you want tomorrow. Secretly hope that when you wake up you are still just sick enough to watch seven more episodes of SVU, but well enough to desire a mimosa again. That’s progress toward recovery.