I mean, duh, but just don’t do it. Especially don’t combine it with Sudafed. I’ve yet to try crystal meth (although I am looking for a new hobby once I finish catching up with Breaking Bad), but I can only imagine the results are similar.
The real question here, though, is after a night with no sleep, do I just keep drinking coffee all day to stay awake? Or will that just perpetuate the cycle/eventually lead to a meth addiction?
…just take up one table. Take up two, and you become a nemesis of everyone waiting for a table.
I don’t even care that I have a multimillion dollar idea and I’m just handing it over. Consider it my community service for the…lifetime.
Can someone who is smarter with me (I think they’re called “engineers”) create a way for people who wear glasses to watch 3D movies without having to double glasses it?
I’ve been double glasses-ing it since 3D came back in vogue, and it’s the worst. The 3D glasses neither fit on top of nor underneath the actual glasses, and wherever you put them, you have to use at least one hand to hold it in place for the entire movie so the glare from one doesn’t mess with the other. I have better uses for my hands during a movie: double fisting popcorn and candy, or candy and a to go coffee cup filled with wine.
As a near sighted lady, I wear glasses when it’s time to drive (or…I should) and when it’s time to watch movies (always). That’s it. Contacts are unnecessary/unwanted. 3D options for be-speckled folks, on the other hand? Completely necessary and absolutely wanted.
So, engineer. Here’s my idea. How about some sort of film that sticks to the lenses? No, of course I don’t know what that actually means, but I’m picturing something like those Colorforms from the 80s, but, you know, they make the movie 3D. I bet you’d need one for each side of the lenses, right? I’m leaving the details to you. I’m seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness tonight, so that’s a loss, but please do get on it before Man of Steel comes out.
Royalties would be nice, too. Keep in touch about that.
For the love of all that is good and holy: don’t play health insurance chicken.
For those of you unfamiliar with “insurance chicken,” it’s a lot like “drinks chicken,” but with higher stakes…and in this case you don’t want the other person to cancel. Insurance chicken is waiting to sign up for new health insurance until your previous employer cancels your health insurance. “Why waste money on a second insurance policy when my previous company hasn’t yet cancelled mine?” you ask yourself, specifically if you are my own inner monologue. “They’re probably giving me an extra month to make up for delays on my final paycheck, or just being nice.”
Let me stop you right there: have you ever known your previous employer to spend money on you just to be “nice?” Wait…really? Then why are they your “previous” employer?
“That may be true, Advice Unsolicited, but I’m checking my health insurance website every single day to make sure I’m still insured,” you counter. “The second my current insurance goes away, I’ll sign up for new insurance!”
Where that seemingly sound logic goes wrong is in a bit of knowledge I’m about to drop on you. If you’re anything like me, this is news: even the most disorganized HR department can RETRO-CANCEL your health insurance up to a month later.* Retro. Cancel. That’s right, kiddos: you might think you have insurance when you head to the doctor on May 14 - because all signs, documents and customer service representatives indicate that you do - but if your previous employer decides to cancel your insurance on May 31, they can retro-cancel from May 1st onward. It’s like a time machine that you didn’t know existed, or some Harry Potter shit. The retro-cancel part of this all won’t fully process until you get the bill from your May 14th appointment. It will be about a grand, unless you got X-rays or did anything beyond just showing up and getting your temperature taken. Then it will be much, much more. Enjoy that expensive lesson.
As fun as it is to get the most out of your previous employer, this is one area not to mess around with. If you really need to stick it to the man, just sign their company wide e-mail address up for every mailing list you can find. There’s a Daily Candy/Groupon/Gilt City in so very many cities, and they all have separate e-mails. You’re welcome.
*If this post was not a clear enough indication: I am not an insurance expert. Check your policy and state guidelines for exact timeline.
I am a pretty big fan of online shopping. Much like any shopping with a credit card, it doesn’t feel like spending real money (until later), and if you do enough of it, you forget what’s coming in the mail until it arrives. It’s like Christmas all year round!
I am not, however, a big fan of paying full price for anything. It’s like being the guy on the plane that paid the most for the middle seat: if you’re in this position, you’re doing something wrong with your life.
Fix your life, or one part of it anyway, by doing a 5 minute search for coupon codes before checking out of anywhere. Seriously: anywhere. I have yet to find a website that doesn’t have a current coupon code floating around the internet (some daily deals excluded, but who’s using Groupon anymore anyway?). Retail me not, couponcodes.com, coupons.com and If that fails (which it probably won’t), at the very least spend 2 minutes typing out any of the following in the coupon code box: MAY20OFF (or whatever month it is with any number that sounds like a good percentage off), GAPMay (or whatever store, whatever month/year combo), MAY2013, FRIENDSANDFAM, FAF2013, MOTHERSDAY…see how many you can guess in 90 seconds. At the very least, FREESHIP is a pretty good standby.
Then you can justify more online shopping, because not taking advantage of sales is like throwing money away, pretty much.*
*I did not major in economics.
As a runner,* may I say on behalf of my kind that running kind of sucks. Yeah, there are Nike ads and Runner’s World covers out there that will try to convince you that “runners high” is a reason to run ultra-marathons (whaaaaa?), but I’m pretty sure all this “runner’s high” nonsense is is the delirium that comes with dehydration and shortness of breath.
Running sucks.** Most of us are doing it because we like the idea of being in shape, but were never able to catch a ball or do any other real sport that requires hand-eye coordination to burn calories. Enjoyable it is not.
With that in mind, must those of you in cars try to kill runners so often? Getting from point A to point B is so much better in a car - can’t you just enjoy that without taking out sweating cardio enthusiasts en route?
And don’t even start with “runners should be more careful” - save that for the motorcyclists cutting in and out of lanes (separate advice topic). This is coming from the most cautious runner ever. I stop anytime a traffic signal indicates that is the right decision (primarily because - see above - I’m not about to turn down any excuse to stop running), and my arms are scratched up from how close to shrubbery I run staying on the inside of shoulders or sidewalks.
Even with my impeccable traffic safety, I’ve been hit by a car running twice since living in LA. Nothing serious either time, thankfully, but big car hits little person: it still hurts.
Since drivers appear to have more respect for other cars than for - say - humans - a good rule of thumb is to pretend that runners are really expensive (and really breakable) cars. You wouldn’t take a right on red into a really expensive car, now would you? You wouldn’t veer into a lane occupied by a really expensive car, because it would affect your insurance premiums negatively. You certainly wouldn’t take a left hand turn into an expensive car, just because all the other cars were out of the way.
I fall on my face enough as it is (2 face plants and one tumble down the stairs in the past 2 months anyway). I tripped over a dog once while running and - 13 years and 1 surgery later - I still can’t rotate my shoulder. On the rare occasions I am able to stay on two feet and not trip over animals, all I request is that you pretend my fellow runners and I are really expensive cars…and not hit us.
*Not like a professional runner. Or a fast one. Only a runner in the sense that I’ll run far because I’m too stubborn to stop.
**I’m only kind of kidding about running sucking. It’s love-hate. More emphasis on the hate, natch.
Mother’s Day is Sunday. For all of us living states away from Mom, that means the card needs to arrive by Saturday (thank Jeebuz that the Postal Service has suspended that whole “no mail for you” on Saturdays threat). To be safe, that means you need to get the card in the mail tomorrow. So…deductive reasoning: buy the card today. Inductive? I never was good at math.
Regardless: time to plan your mother’s day greeting so you’re not spending $30 overnight Saturday delivering a $4 Hallmark card.
If you’re feeling like a particularly good offspring this Mother’s Day, it’s just about time to get your order in for flowers. Sure, most flower delivery services essentially send the equivalent of a Trader Joe’s bouquet in a Target vase and charge you exponentially, but (for the most part) your mom gave up drinking for nine months to have you, so suck it up and pay the mark up. Look, I even found a coupon for you.
It’s been a little over a year since I began working from home, and in that time, I really missed out on one of the employed life’s true treasures: taking a sick day.
Let me be very clear: this is not to say that I have worked every single weekday, 9-5 with uniformly productive results. I have, however, spent every single weekday between the hours of 9 and 5 either working, or feeling really guilty that I am not working.
The true meaning of the legitimate sick day is that - no matter how much physical pain you are in, how sure you are that your sinus cavity is going to explode or how little you can breath out of your right nostril: you have right feel unadulterated joy on an unexpected day off. It’s actually bad to physically or mentally exert yourself in any way that would impede your recovery.
That in mind, I’ve come up with the perfect sick day itinerary (otherwise known as “My Monday going on Tuesday”):
Identify that you are, indeed, sick. We all have different ways of assessing how sick we really are. My litmus is “Would I prefer a mimosa, or a glass of orange juice and a Tylenol Cold and Flu?” If the answer is not mimosa, something is seriously, seriously wrong.
Muster up enough energy to search cable and DVR every episode of Law & Order (preferably SVU, obviously) that will air over the next 48 hours. There will be a lot of them. To make room, feel free to clear any “I should watch this” or “I think my boyfriend/roommate thinks he should watch this” TV show from your DVR that has over 9 episodes backdated (Peace out, Season 2 of Walking Dead).
Go back to sleep. Repeat this step in between episodes of Law & Order as needed throughout the day.
Stock house with all necessary drowsy and non-drowsy medications that you might want over the next week. Bonus if you can do this stocking via home delivery service or doting boyfriend.
Understand that Sudafed is “Meth, Jr.” and commit to not making this the start of your meth addiction.
Insist on absurd amounts of orange juice and chicken soup. There are no proven medical benefits to these things, but it will reinforce the fact that you are, indeed, sick and want sick person things.
When Law & Order gets too heavy, switch to Bravo. There is no risk that anything on Bravo will ever be too heavy.
(Sit) shower several times. Water shortages and saving the planet do not count when you’re sick.
Confirm that the soap opera characters are at the same engagement party they were attending the last time you were sick.
Use sickness as an excuse to have ice cream. It’s good for your throat, or something.
Keep up with the Kardashians. No one can judge you. It came on when you were in the middle of a nap. And you’re sick. More orange juice!
Use non-compound sentences. Compound sentences are too hard.
Go to sleep as early as you want tonight. Sleep as late as you want tomorrow. Secretly hope that when you wake up you are still just sick enough to watch seven more episodes of SVU, but well enough to desire a mimosa again. That’s progress toward recovery.
After giving myself the weekend to think it over, I’ve decided that Spring Breakers was, indeed, a fantastic film. It was like if Thirteen, American Psycho,The Town, Freeway, Thelma and Louise and Road Trip had a baby, and named it Britney Spears. Granted, it makes me think that if Harmony Korine and I ever sat down and chatted about our college experiences, it would turn out that his semester at NYU and my time in Boston was very, very different. Or, more realistically, this his imagination is much greater than mine, hence the drastic disparity between our success.
What perhaps makes the film even better is the thought of all of the teeny boppers…and their parents…who went into the film thinking “Oh - Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Selena Gomez have combined their Disney and ABC Family powers for an adorable film about friends on Spring Break. Cute! I wonder why it’s rated R?”
So - go see that - but…
Don’t let it get you so excited about the idea of Spring Break that you decide it would be fun to pay homage to your own freshman year Spring Break with Long Island Ice Teas after the movie. Even one will make you feel like death the next morning.
Do you know what is in a LIT? I forgot until I had my post-Spring Breakers cocktail, but it’s vodka AND tequila AND rum AND gin. All of those things…plus sour mix, triple sec and cola. All of those things are in one glass that is served…legally.
If you are over the age of 18…avoid it. It will make you feel your age in the worst way possible.
I don’t know how much longer I can continue calling the extra six pounds I’ve been toting around with me since December “holiday weight.” Since I refuse to let this become Q2 poundage, it’s time to take more drastic steps than my current diet and exercise program. This “program” has essentially consisted of deciding that I want to weigh less and…yeah that’s it.
From my experience on this “program,” here is some advice one what doesn’t actually work for weight loss. Some of this may shock you!
If you start the morning with a 45 minute hike and follow that with a latte of the exact amount of calories burned from said hike, it doesn’t count. Especially because you are going to use this as an excuse every time you eat.
“Light beer” is as light as a “thin obese” person.
“Only drinking on the weekends” isn’t the miracle solution - especially if Friday, Saturday and Sunday all count as the weekend. Math time: that’s just about half of the week. All this is is *barely* not being an alcoholic.
Yes, going spinning burns calories, but you’re totally overestimating it because spinning studios are muggy rooms. They are kept that way so you sweat more, and think you burn more calories (brilliant strategy, incidentally). Therefore, no you haven’t earned half of a bottle of wine with dinner.
Not stepping on the scale doesn’t mean the number hasn’t gone up. The more you’re avoiding it, the more you should probably put yourself in check. That said…
Stepping on the scale every day doesn’t automatically make the number go down.
Just because a bottle of juice costs $10-$12, doesn’t give it miracle properties of cancelling out other food. Read: it’s not an excuse to eat whatever for every other meal that day.
Heads up: it’s someone’s birthday every day. You should really only eat and drink that much to celebrate your birthday.
That whole “your metabolism slows down when you get older” thing might actually be true.
