Advice...unsolicited

Travel Tips by Caila: Stay Preferred

Ooof - it’s been far too long since my last post. It’s been a busy winter of traveling to exciting places like New York, Boston, Miami, St. Barts…and (most exciting of them all) Baldwinsville.

(I know…life is hard)

I’ve learned so much, yet have written so little about these travels. It’s time to fix that.

Well…almost time. I’ve got days worth of advice, and a yoga class starting in an hour.  Might I reiterate: life is hard.

For now, some urgent Travel Tips by Caila:

Earn status on an airline, and stick with that airline:
I had the (dis)pleasure of flying an airline on which I had no status last month. Woof: was that rough. With no glimmer of a hope for an upgrade, the pre-travel dread of the 5-hour coach flight was intense. But that was only the beginning.

The long security line? Stood in it.  Checked baggage? Paid for it. Group that boards plane last? Joined it. Overhead compartments? Filled by Groups 1-3. Seat assignments? Not until the last minute. What does that mean? Last row, middle seat, non-reclined red eye.

Before I get a #champagneproblems response: travel is hard. Travel for work is even harder (no post-redeye naps before you hit the ground running!). Passenger conditions that can only be defined as intentionally annoying are not the way to start a trip.

So earn your airline status. Pay the extra $50 to fly your preferred airline to earn your status faster. Do it before the airlines start assigning passenger seating in the baggage compartment - which - based on how things are going - is only a matter of time.

Upgraded economy is only worth it on some airlines and plane models:
Whether they call it Economy Comfort or Economy Plus or We’re Charging You $100 To Sit Close To First With An Inch Of Extra Leg Room, this new sub-class of seating can be a total sham. Why my American Airlines bathroom-adjacent seat directly under the overhead movie was considered “Comfort,” I’ll never know. Delta’s 4” of extra leg room makes a notable difference, and Virgin America’s free movies and drinks sweetens the deal - but your best bet before deciding on spending the cash is to check your flight on Seat Guru.

Never…ever…ever wait for the gate for seat assignment:
There is no need to get fussy with airline personnel most of the time. It’s not their fault that the person who spent $2,000 more than you did is sitting in first, and they didn’t invent the checked baggage fee, or the 3 oz. of liquid regulation.

An exception is when it comes to seat assignment. If you didn’t follow my advice, and are flying on an airline where you have no status, you may be faced with a lack of a seat assignment until the last possible minute (even if you remember picking a seat at the time of booking). The friendly airline agent will tell you “there are plenty of seats, and you’ll be assigned one at the gate.”

Do. Not. Fall. For. This. Nonsense. If there were plenty of seats, you would have one. There are maybe three acceptable seats, and a whole lot of back row/middle seats/non-reclining/bathroom-adjacent seats left. If you wait until you get to the gate for your seat assignment, can you guess which seat you’ll get?

Pitch the fit before it’s too late. You deserve that emergency exit row.

Don’t tell a fellow passenger your life story

Sometimes I feel like we’d all be better off taking a vow of silence…but then I realize my Facebook feed would blow up like crazy if people couldn’t verbally status update. That said - and in another installment of Travel Tips by Caila - don’t tell a fellow passenger your life story on a flight.

No one on a long flight - or any flight, really - wants to hear your life story. They don’t want to hear anything about you. They don’t care where you went to school, they don’t care what you currently do for work, and they don’t care that you have a daughter who lives in or near the same major metropolitan city (because no…no they do NOT know her).

Whatever you are about to tell your fellow passenger about your life, I absolutely promise you: they do not care. Even if they are as bored as you are, they would much rather pretend-read the in-flight magazine than have an inane conversation with you, the stranger who they will never see again.

When you are talking to the person next to you on a plane, understand that there are only a few possible scenarios that are playing out…and that none of them are good:

#1. The person sitting next to you is being overly polite, but secretly suffering through details of your life that are completely irrelevant to them.

#2. The person next to you isn’t even being polite, but you are completely oblivious to the fact that their eyes have glazed over/headphones are in. Yup: you’re talking to yourself.

#3. You are facilitating your own identity thief. Somewhere in your long, pointless story, your mother’s maiden name came up (maybe when you were talking about the hospital where you were delivered), and it’s all identity theft gravy from there. And ya know what? They deserve to run up a few grand at Best Buy after sitting next to you for an entire flight.

To add to how annoying this is: the entire plane can hear you. Because they are being silent. Because they are socially normal travelers.

Here are the only conversations you need to have with someone on a long flight:

“Do you mind moving so I can get out to go to the bathroom?”

“Can you make sure the flight attendant refills my wine when I am in the bathroom?”

“You’re not contagious, right?”

And that’s it. Any follow up to any of these conversations is just crazy person talk.

Observe the code of aviation silence: passengers should not talk to other passengers unless it is a dire emergency. Or, ya know, bathroom breaks or wine is involved.

Travel Tips By Caila: Flying with a Dog

I want to first acknowledge that I understand dogs and children are two very different levels of responsibility - children being exponentially higher.

That said: there is no way flying with a child is more challenging or expensive than flying with a dog. Children - being that they are just small humans - will always be accepted on planes and in airports. They can use bathrooms inside the airport. They even fly free if they are small enough (I think we call those ones babies).

Dogs, on the other hand, are not small humans. They aren’t allowed anywhere, they’re less likely to pee in an airplane bathroom than children, and they always cost money to fly (exception: service dogs).

So - in another installment of Travel Tips by Caila - here are some tips for flying with a dog on board:

Tip #19: Check with the airline ahead of time for height/weight restrictions on dog travel: it varies per airline, as do fees and when pets are allowed under the plane.

Tip #20: Have a current bill of health from your vet (within 2 weeks of travel): Really - you never know what the airline or TSA is going to ask for on any given day.

Tip #21: Check on any quarantine situation if you are traveling internationally: Your dog might be an international man of mystery in your mind, but not in the minds of most international government officials. Look it up ahead.

Tip #22: Do arm and back exercises the month leading up to the travel: Dog carriers do not come with wheels.

Tip #23: Allow for at least 30 minutes to get the dog into that damn travel case: Dogs do not like travel cases. Even if you put their favorite blanket in there. Even if it smells like you. Even if you bribe them with an entire turkey. You’ll need to get them in the case before you get into the airport, because - unless you have the Emotional Support Animal or Service Animal certification - they aren’t allowed in the airport outside of the case. About 10 minutes after you struggle to get them into the case, you take them right back out because you need to take the squirmy little sucker through the airport security metal detector with no leash. Then it’s right back in the case. Did I say 30 minutes? I meant an hour.

Tip #24: …but don’t get to the airport too early: You’ll have to master the fine balance of arriving to the gate just as you are boarding. This involves predicting every line length and dog antic. I have no advice on how to do this. Good luck!

Tip # 25: Avoid connections: When a direct flight is possible, just take it. Even if it’s more money. Airports are just about the least pet friendly space on the planet, other than - ya know - kill shelters (and even that’s a toss up). If you do connect, plan on it going like this: You are paranoid that the dog needs to pee - and, rightfully so (what, are they going to pee using the airplane bathroom on the next flight?). After exiting your first flight, you ask for the “pet relief area” (which, in most cases, is a 5 foot by 5 foot spread of grass about as far away from wherever you are as is possible in any given airport). After asking five airport officials, one will vaguely know what you are talking about, and point you in sort of the right direction. It will be about a 20 minute walk, carrying a 20 pound beast in an unstable cary bag on your shoulder. It’s on the other side of security. Your dog will be really hesitant to go, and will be terrified every time a plane flies overhead (roughly every 45 seconds). After he finally does pee, it’s time to go through security again, including getting the dog in, then out, then in again that effing carrier. Just avoid connections.

Tip #26: Save your money!: It’s about $125 each way for your living carry on, if you’re lucky enough to have a pooch the size that is allowed on board. And no: you can’t pay with miles (tried it). Don’t even get me started on the negative health risks of stashing the dog under the plane. Consider avoiding this if you are even a little bit emotionally disturbed and can get a shrink to vouch for that.

Speaking of emotionally disturbed…

Tip #27: Doggy Sedatives are our friends: Your only hope of getting through this is for your dog to sleep the entire flight. I’m no licensed vet (duh), but the sedatives worked wonders.

Tip #28: As are human sedatives: If flying didn’t give you anxiety before, flying with a canine friend will.

Tip #30: Prepare for dirty looks: The only people that get more disdainful looks boarding a plane than someone with a baby, is someone with a dog. It is assumed by your fellow travelers that your dog will bark the whole flight. They hate the dog - and you - and will not hesitate to sigh loudly, roll eyes and make comments like “Didn’t know Paris Hilton was on this flight” (um, dated much?). Resist the urge to yell “MY DOG’S TICKET WAS MORE THAN YOUR’S!” lest you be ejected from the plane, putting you right back to square one with doggy travel. The human sedatives will set in soon enough.

Safe Travels!

Avoid any relationship that includes the phase “as long as no one finds out.”

I’m still trying to figure out why the David Petraeus/Paula Broadwell affair is an issue of national security, but then again - I’m no Harvard grad.

You know who is a Harvard grad?  Paula Broadwell.  Proof that even Harvard grads should read Why Men Love Bitches.

So here’s the deal - whether or not this affair turns out to be a matter of national security, it does bring up a solid rule of thumb:  If you are in a relationship that is defined with the phrase “as long as no one finds out,” it will inevitably blow up in your face disastrously.

The reason for keeping a relationship secret is typically because of the relationship, and not because “no one will understand,” so smarten up.

Oh, and don’t send anonymous e-mails to people with connections to the CIA, include info on the Director of the CIA, and not expect a successful investigation as to where the e-mail came from to result.

(God I love it when cnn.com goes all US Weekly!)

Learn how to make gifs…

              

                            Because reading is not easy.

Open letter to my younger self

Dear young me,

Hey 2002! Who is ready to par-tay this weekend!? I know you are.  Why, you’ve probably found yourself a very classy backless number at the H&M at Downtown Crossing to go with those jeans from high school that barely fit anymore, haven’t you?  At least you have the self-awareness to employ some draping over your midsection.

Listen: I know you’re really busy having some Jenkins and Dole Bottle, eating some cheese sticks from late night, and exploring that new Friendster site that will definitely be the next big thing, but I wanted to give you some unsolicited advice for the weekend ahead.

First of all, lose that outfit - you look like a ho - and lose 15 pounds.  The scale is most certainly not “off” - even though all of your roommates have noticed it seems like 10 pounds off from what they think is correct too - and pasta is not diet food.  I’m not going to harp on you too much about this, but you would have to run 10 miles every day FOR THE ALCOHOL YOU’RE ABOUT TO DRINK ALONE.  Might I recommend going out in appropriately-sized layers instead: it’s effing 30 degrees outside.  Also - the $2 for coat check is worth it: teetering down Lansdowne Street in that backless shirt I know your not going to change out of without a coat is not a good look.

Secondly, have a roommate hide your cell phone when you go out tonight…and every night.  You can have it back in the morning.  No good is going to come of any call you make after midnight, and you will lose that little dot matrix brick many times.  Many times.  I know, I know: you want to call boys (full list of who not to call coming separately), play that Nokia snake game in the cab, or perhaps download some polyphonic ring tones, but just don’t.  Wait until the morning, and wait until there are real tones.

Third: Mom and Dad never figure out that the “automatic convenient points renewal charge” isn’t a thing, so you’re good to keep adding free money to your student account for as long as you want.  But really: lay off the late night food.

Wait!  I have so much more to tell you!  The double major is a completely pointless idea! Wait!

Fine, I see you are on a mission to…become a stripper? Seriously what are you wearing? But whatever - you’re in a rush to head over to Cambridge.  Oh! That reminds me: there’s this freshman across the river at MIT that you should become friends with now.  His name is Mark Zuckerberg.  If you hear nothing else that I am telling you: please find him, make a friend, and feel free to help him with this extracurricular project he has going on.  Way better time investment than student senate, or whatever the hell you’re thinking of joining this week.  Trust.

Love,

Still young me

Don’t Fire Big Bird

Listen.  I get it.  With all the toys and games and ice capade performances, Sesame Street probably doesn’t need the same amount of funding as healthcare, education, the environment, cancer research and a whole slew of other programs.

But - from a purely PR perspective - if people already hate you for being The Bain guy that laid of thousands of factory workers, do you want to further vilify your image by giving a public pink slip to a beloved educational program star?  

I know, I know.  Can’t attack Oscar the Grouch because then your’e the guy who doesn’t like homeless people.  Can’t attack Burt and Ernie because you’re already struggling with the gay vote.  Can’t attack Cookie Monster because you don’t want to alienate the obese vote.  Can’t attack The Count because of Twilight. Elmo is off limits because - well - he’s Elmo.

You probably should leave the whole street alone, but at least attack Snuffleupagus.  He’s imaginary and can’t vote.

          

Don’t park a human in a parking spot

     

Oh aren’t you special?  You found a parking spot at Trader Joe’s at 5PM on a Sunday.  Good for you! Even better, there aren’t any other spots left (unless you count the sliver left between the Range Rover and the crooked Prius, or the spot filled with shopping carts). Congratulations! You should be rewarded with the right to just hang out in that spot, without a care in the world, for as long as you’d like, right?

Wrong - and an oh no girl no for good measure.

Parking spots are for cars, not people.  We’re going to apply this beyond just lots, but also to any sort of crowded street where parking is sparse and traffic is heavy. The only time people should be in their cars in the parking spot is immediately before leaving the car, and immediately after re-entering the car.  

Beyond that: I shall stare at you with abject hatred, and you shall deserve it.

Parking spots are not for phone calls.  They are not an appropriate place to clean out your purse.  They aren’t a place to check your e-mail.  They aren’t a place to check your fantasy football score (even at 5PM on a Sunday). They aren’t the place to “just take a moment” for yourself.  They aren’t a place to take a group photo for your MySpace page.  The places for those things are phone booth, privacy of your own home, office, in front of your TV, and yoga studio, and 2003, respectively.

If I see you lounging in your car for more than the time it takes an average person to fish  out your keys and turn it on (BTW it’s called keyless ignition: look into it), I’m going to camp out behind you with a blinker on.  I might even open my window and ask if you’re staying (my passive aggressive way to say you should leave).  

And then I’ll start a really aggressive argument with you, but only in my own head.  In the real world, I’ll just smile and wish I could go all Kathy Bates/Fried Green Tomatoes on you.

(Parking lot rage is the new road rage: you heard it here first).

Don’t ONLY ask favors

I am happy to do favors for friends.  I am even happy to do favors for acquaintances, if asked correctly.  But I’m about to go all Ms Manners on your asses:

Don’t let your only contact with someone be related to the favors you ask them.

I would say you know who you are, but, realistically, people who ask for too many favors really don’t know who they are.  So I’m going to help you self-identify:

When you are about to ask a favor of someone, first go through your text messages and e-mail chains with this person.  To start with, if the last communication was over a month ago, you are not eligible to ask a favor without sufficient build up (we’ll get to that).  Secondly, if you notice a trend that every or every other communication has to do with asking a favor or details of that “just one quick favor” that you are asking, you are a favor-asking rule violator.

Only ask favors of people who also ask favors of you.  Not WOULD ask favors of you, because it’s easy to convince yourself that this person would ask for your help and just hasn’t gotten around to it.  If this person is not asking favors of you, it means that they are either taking care of business on their own, or have a closer group of circle that they are asking these favors.  

Got that? If you are not in the favor asked circle, you should not be in the favor asking circle.

If you simply must ask a favor of someone who doesn’t ask favors of you, you do need to do some build up work.*  For example, a simple e-mail to ask “how have you been?” with no favor attached is an excellent way to lay the ground work.  No - we’re not done here - there are more steps here.  After that, at least one in person friend date must be had, where - again, the favor is not brought up.  Nope - not done yet.  After the friend date, send a follow up e-mail from the friend date that in no way mentions the favor.  Allow all replies to happen that are regarding the fun times you had and all the inside jokes you created with - again - no inkling of this favor.  Got it?  Ok - now, allow a week to pass from that e-mail chain, and THEN, then you may ask for this favor.

Oh, does that sound like a lot of time to spend with someone that you just want to ask a favor? THAT’S THE POINT!  If this is not someone who you want to invest time with, or already invest time with in the first place, then you SHOULDN’T ASK THEM A FAVOR!

And yes. Airport rides are favors. Only the closest of friends are airport shuttles.

*Exception to build up work: If you are e-mailing someone for something work-related, and it’s more “part of their job” to tell you and less “a favor,” don’t bother with the build up.  It’s transparent and annoying.  For everyone.

Don’t Shit Where You Eat

I don’t mean this advice metaphorically, and I’d like to specifically direct it at my dog.  

Don’t shit where you eat, Sam…or anywhere in our house.  Don’t shit anywhere in anyone’s house, really. Don’t shit on the curtains, don’t shit on the carpet, and definitely don’t shit on the clean laundry.  Or the dirty laundry. 

We give you this great opportunity to do your business whenever you want, as long as it’s outside.  I don’t make you conform to toilet usage like humans - don’t make me dog shame you.

So don’t shit where you eat, Sam.

And for the love of God, Tumblr - don’t have themes that get rid of punctuation in blog titles.  This is the one case where it’s really not ok to change DONT to DO NOT.