Work out in the middle of the day
I’m assuming the whole lottery advice was a bust for you as it was for me. I’m very realistic: anyone who has $300+ million dollars has better things to be doing than reading this blog (like cashing in the money for gold tokens and swimming through it, Scrooge McDuck-style). Wasn’t it a great thrill, though, until the second number was called? For that reason alone, I stand by the solid advice.
However, since none of us can afford any Harry Potter magical non-surgery options to stay thin, I’d like to take a moment to focus on fitness. Now that you’re unemployed, and that you’re rescue dog will be potty trained in 6 short months, you simply must work out in the middle of the day.
Working out in the middle of the day is the best way to feel like you have reached the pinnacle of human productivity without actually having accomplished anything. To start with, even wearing workout clothes increases one’s sense of self-worth by about 37%…and that begins the moment you put the clothes on and lasts the rest of the day! Really, you don’t even need to exercise in said clothes to feel a benefit.
If you do manage to take the workout clothes to the next level and sweat in them, you become a walking testament to fitness to anyone you pass. You’ll notice folks attempting to veil their jealousy that you are clearly healthier than them…especially if they are smoking and you subtly cough. The envy of others is the strongest sign that you are doing something right with your life.
Fitness classes in the middle of the day are so much less crowded, because normal people have jobs and can’t get to class until at least 6:30. Their slaving to the man is your gain, with semi-private lessons at the same cost all those employed suckers are paying for full classes in the early morning or late evening.
The one downside is a great majority of the people working out in the middle of the day are required to stay thin by profession (such as actress, out-of-work actress, trophy wife, adult entertainer). It is important not to compare yourself to these people. You’ll know who they are, trust.
All this time working out is time you are not spending talking to your rescue dog, which is a huge social benefit for you. With a decreased risk of people thinking you are that crazy person talking to a dog, you will still have people to join you at happy hour. Let’s not forget - the main reason for working out in the middle of the day, is to have increased opportunities to consume calories at the end of the day.
