Advice...unsolicited

Don't drink coffee after 6PM

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:57:35 -0700

I mean, duh, but just don’t do it. Especially don’t combine it with Sudafed. I’ve yet to try crystal meth (although I am looking for a new hobby once I finish catching up with Breaking Bad), but I can only imagine the results are similar.

The real question here, though, is after a night with no sleep, do I just keep drinking coffee all day to stay awake? Or will that just perpetuate the cycle/eventually lead to a meth addiction?

If you're going to take a nap at a busy coffee shop...

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:04:35 -0700

…just take up one table. Take up two, and you become a nemesis of everyone waiting for a table.

Invent 3D options for people who wear glasses

Fri, 17 May 2013 18:18:19 -0700

I don’t even care that I have a multimillion dollar idea and I’m just handing it over. Consider it my community service for the…lifetime.

Can someone who is smarter with me (I think they’re called “engineers”) create a way for people who wear glasses to watch 3D movies without having to double glasses it?

I’ve been double glasses-ing it since 3D came back in vogue, and it’s the worst. The 3D glasses neither fit on top of nor underneath the actual glasses, and wherever you put them, you have to use at least one hand to hold it in place for the entire movie so the glare from one doesn’t mess with the other. I have better uses for my hands during a movie: double fisting popcorn and candy, or candy and a to go coffee cup filled with wine.

As a near sighted lady, I wear glasses when it’s time to drive (or…I should) and when it’s time to watch movies (always). That’s it. Contacts are unnecessary/unwanted. 3D options for be-speckled folks, on the other hand? Completely necessary and absolutely wanted.

So, engineer. Here’s my idea. How about some sort of film that sticks to the lenses? No, of course I don’t know what that actually means, but I’m picturing something like those Colorforms from the 80s, but, you know, they make the movie 3D. I bet you’d need one for each side of the lenses, right? I’m leaving the details to you. I’m seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness tonight, so that’s a loss, but please do get on it before Man of Steel comes out.

Royalties would be nice, too. Keep in touch about that.

Don't Play Health Insurance Chicken

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:55:36 -0700

For the love of all that is good and holy: don’t play health insurance chicken.

For those of you unfamiliar with “insurance chicken,” it’s a lot like “drinks chicken,” but with higher stakes…and in this case you don’t want the other person to cancel. Insurance chicken is waiting to sign up for new health insurance until your previous employer cancels your health insurance. “Why waste money on a second insurance policy when my previous company hasn’t yet cancelled mine?” you ask yourself, specifically if you are my own inner monologue. “They’re probably giving me an extra month to make up for delays on my final paycheck, or just being nice.”

Let me stop you right there: have you ever known your previous employer to spend money on you just to be “nice?” Wait…really? Then why are they your “previous” employer?

“That may be true, Advice Unsolicited, but I’m checking my health insurance website every single day to make sure I’m still insured,” you counter. “The second my current insurance goes away, I’ll sign up for new insurance!”

Where that seemingly sound logic goes wrong is in a bit of knowledge I’m about to drop on you. If you’re anything like me, this is news: even the most disorganized HR department can RETRO-CANCEL your health insurance up to a month later.* Retro. Cancel. That’s right, kiddos: you might think you have insurance when you head to the doctor on May 14 - because all signs, documents and customer service representatives indicate that you do - but if your previous employer decides to cancel your insurance on May 31, they can retro-cancel from May 1st onward. It’s like a time machine that you didn’t know existed, or some Harry Potter shit. The retro-cancel part of this all won’t fully process until you get the bill from your May 14th appointment. It will be about a grand, unless you got X-rays or did anything beyond just showing up and getting your temperature taken. Then it will be much, much more. Enjoy that expensive lesson.

As fun as it is to get the most out of your previous employer, this is one area not to mess around with. If you really need to stick it to the man, just sign their company wide e-mail address up for every mailing list you can find. There’s a Daily Candy/Groupon/Gilt City in so very many cities, and they all have separate e-mails. You’re welcome.

*If this post was not a clear enough indication: I am not an insurance expert. Check your policy and state guidelines for exact timeline.

Always use a coupon code

Thu, 09 May 2013 01:09:56 -0700

I am a pretty big fan of online shopping. Much like any shopping with a credit card, it doesn’t feel like spending real money (until later), and if you do enough of it, you forget what’s coming in the mail until it arrives. It’s like Christmas all year round!

I am not, however, a big fan of paying full price for anything. It’s like being the guy on the plane that paid the most for the middle seat: if you’re in this position, you’re doing something wrong with your life.

Fix your life, or one part of it anyway, by doing a 5 minute search for coupon codes before checking out of anywhere. Seriously: anywhere. I have yet to find a website that doesn’t have a current coupon code floating around the internet (some daily deals excluded, but who’s using Groupon anymore anyway?). Retail me not, couponcodes.com, coupons.com and If that fails (which it probably won’t), at the very least spend 2 minutes typing out any of the following in the coupon code box: MAY20OFF (or whatever month it is with any number that sounds like a good percentage off), GAPMay (or whatever store, whatever month/year combo), MAY2013, FRIENDSANDFAM, FAF2013, MOTHERSDAY…see how many you can guess in 90 seconds. At the very least, FREESHIP is a pretty good standby.

Then you can justify more online shopping, because not taking advantage of sales is like throwing money away, pretty much.*

*I did not major in economics.

Share the road with a runner

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:02:40 -0700

As a runner,* may I say on behalf of my kind that running kind of sucks. Yeah, there are Nike ads and Runner’s World covers out there that will try to convince you that “runners high” is a reason to run ultra-marathons (whaaaaa?), but I’m pretty sure all this “runner’s high” nonsense is is the delirium that comes with dehydration and shortness of breath.

Running sucks.** Most of us are doing it because we like the idea of being in shape, but were never able to catch a ball or do any other real sport that requires hand-eye coordination to burn calories. Enjoyable it is not.

With that in mind, must those of you in cars try to kill runners so often? Getting from point A to point B is so much better in a car - can’t you just enjoy that without taking out sweating cardio enthusiasts en route?

And don’t even start with “runners should be more careful” - save that for the motorcyclists cutting in and out of lanes (separate advice topic). This is coming from the most cautious runner ever. I stop anytime a traffic signal indicates that is the right decision (primarily because - see above - I’m not about to turn down any excuse to stop running), and my arms are scratched up from how close to shrubbery I run staying on the inside of shoulders or sidewalks.

Even with my impeccable traffic safety, I’ve been hit by a car running twice since living in LA. Nothing serious either time, thankfully, but big car hits little person: it still hurts.

Since drivers appear to have more respect for other cars than for - say - humans - a good rule of thumb is to pretend that runners are really expensive (and really breakable) cars. You wouldn’t take a right on red into a really expensive car, now would you? You wouldn’t veer into a lane occupied by a really expensive car, because it would affect your insurance premiums negatively. You certainly wouldn’t take a left hand turn into an expensive car, just because all the other cars were out of the way.

I fall on my face enough as it is (2 face plants and one tumble down the stairs in the past 2 months anyway). I tripped over a dog once while running and - 13 years and 1 surgery later - I still can’t rotate my shoulder. On the rare occasions I am able to stay on two feet and not trip over animals, all I request is that you pretend my fellow runners and I are really expensive cars…and not hit us.

*Not like a professional runner. Or a fast one. Only a runner in the sense that I’ll run far because I’m too stubborn to stop.

**I’m only kind of kidding about running sucking. It’s love-hate. More emphasis on the hate, natch.

Don't Forget Mother's Day

Mon, 06 May 2013 11:46:12 -0700

Mother’s Day is Sunday. For all of us living states away from Mom, that means the card needs to arrive by Saturday (thank Jeebuz that the Postal Service has suspended that whole “no mail for you” on Saturdays threat). To be safe, that means you need to get the card in the mail tomorrow. So…deductive reasoning: buy the card today. Inductive? I never was good at math.

Regardless: time to plan your mother’s day greeting so you’re not spending $30 overnight Saturday delivering a $4 Hallmark card.

If you’re feeling like a particularly good offspring this Mother’s Day, it’s just about time to get your order in for flowers. Sure, most flower delivery services essentially send the equivalent of a Trader Joe’s bouquet in a Target vase and charge you exponentially, but (for the most part) your mom gave up drinking for nine months to have you, so suck it up and pay the mark up. Look, I even found a coupon for you.

Have a perfect sick day

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 14:15:10 -0700

It’s been a little over a year since I began working from home, and in that time, I really missed out on one of the employed life’s true treasures: taking a sick day.

Let me be very clear: this is not to say that I have worked every single weekday, 9-5 with uniformly productive results. I have, however, spent every single weekday between the hours of 9 and 5 either working, or feeling really guilty that I am not working.

The true meaning of the legitimate sick day is that - no matter how much physical pain you are in, how sure you are that your sinus cavity is going to explode or how little you can breath out of your right nostril: you have right feel unadulterated joy on an unexpected day off. It’s actually bad to physically or mentally exert yourself in any way that would impede your recovery.

That in mind, I’ve come up with the perfect sick day itinerary (otherwise known as “My Monday going on Tuesday”):

Identify that you are, indeed, sick. We all have different ways of assessing how sick we really are. My litmus is “Would I prefer a mimosa, or a glass of orange juice and a Tylenol Cold and Flu?” If the answer is not mimosa, something is seriously, seriously wrong.

Muster up enough energy to search cable and DVR every episode of Law & Order (preferably SVU, obviously) that will air over the next 48 hours. There will be a lot of them. To make room, feel free to clear any “I should watch this” or “I think my boyfriend/roommate thinks he should watch this” TV show from your DVR that has over 9 episodes backdated (Peace out, Season 2 of Walking Dead).

Go back to sleep. Repeat this step in between episodes of Law & Order as needed throughout the day.

Stock house with all necessary drowsy and non-drowsy medications that you might want over the next week. Bonus if you can do this stocking via home delivery service or doting boyfriend.

Understand that Sudafed is “Meth, Jr.” and commit to not making this the start of your meth addiction.

Insist on absurd amounts of orange juice and chicken soup. There are no proven medical benefits to these things, but it will reinforce the fact that you are, indeed, sick and want sick person things.

When Law & Order gets too heavy, switch to Bravo. There is no risk that anything on Bravo will ever be too heavy.

(Sit) shower several times. Water shortages and saving the planet do not count when you’re sick.

Confirm that the soap opera characters are at the same engagement party they were attending the last time you were sick.

Use sickness as an excuse to have ice cream. It’s good for your throat, or something.

Keep up with the Kardashians. No one can judge you. It came on when you were in the middle of a nap. And you’re sick. More orange juice!

Use non-compound sentences. Compound sentences are too hard.

Go to sleep as early as you want tonight. Sleep as late as you want tomorrow. Secretly hope that when you wake up you are still just sick enough to watch seven more episodes of SVU, but well enough to desire a mimosa again. That’s progress toward recovery.

Do see Spring Breakers but don't drink Long Island Iced Teas

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 10:01:21 -0700

After giving myself the weekend to think it over, I’ve decided that Spring Breakers was, indeed, a fantastic film. It was like if Thirteen, American Psycho,The Town, Freeway, Thelma and Louise and Road Trip had a baby, and named it Britney Spears. Granted, it makes me think that if Harmony Korine and I ever sat down and chatted about our college experiences, it would turn out that his semester at NYU and my time in Boston was very, very different. Or, more realistically, this his imagination is much greater than mine, hence the drastic disparity between our success.

What perhaps makes the film even better is the thought of all of the teeny boppers…and their parents…who went into the film thinking “Oh - Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Selena Gomez have combined their Disney and ABC Family powers for an adorable film about friends on Spring Break. Cute! I wonder why it’s rated R?”

So - go see that - but…

Don’t let it get you so excited about the idea of Spring Break that you decide it would be fun to pay homage to your own freshman year Spring Break with Long Island Ice Teas after the movie. Even one will make you feel like death the next morning.

Do you know what is in a LIT? I forgot until I had my post-Spring Breakers cocktail, but it’s vodka AND tequila AND rum AND gin. All of those things…plus sour mix, triple sec and cola. All of those things are in one glass that is served…legally.

If you are over the age of 18…avoid it. It will make you feel your age in the worst way possible.

Thinking Thin Doesn't Actually Work for Weight Loss

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 16:02:14 -0700

I don’t know how much longer I can continue calling the extra six pounds I’ve been toting around with me since December “holiday weight.” Since I refuse to let this become Q2 poundage, it’s time to take more drastic steps than my current diet and exercise program. This “program” has essentially consisted of deciding that I want to weigh less and…yeah that’s it.

From my experience on this “program,” here is some advice one what doesn’t actually work for weight loss. Some of this may shock you!

If you start the morning with a 45 minute hike and follow that with a latte of the exact amount of calories burned from said hike, it doesn’t count. Especially because you are going to use this as an excuse every time you eat.

“Light beer” is as light as a “thin obese” person.

“Only drinking on the weekends” isn’t the miracle solution - especially if Friday, Saturday and Sunday all count as the weekend. Math time: that’s just about half of the week. All this is is *barely* not being an alcoholic.

Yes, going spinning burns calories, but you’re totally overestimating it because spinning studios are muggy rooms. They are kept that way so you sweat more, and think you burn more calories (brilliant strategy, incidentally). Therefore, no you haven’t earned half of a bottle of wine with dinner.

Not stepping on the scale doesn’t mean the number hasn’t gone up. The more you’re avoiding it, the more you should probably put yourself in check. That said…

Stepping on the scale every day doesn’t automatically make the number go down.

Just because a bottle of juice costs $10-$12, doesn’t give it miracle properties of cancelling out other food. Read: it’s not an excuse to eat whatever for every other meal that day.

Heads up: it’s someone’s birthday every day. You should really only eat and drink that much to celebrate your birthday.

That whole “your metabolism slows down when you get older” thing might actually be true.

Stop Treating Your Facebook Friends Like Actual Friends

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 13:32:23 -0800

There was a time, back when you needed to be roughly 18-22 with a college e-mail address to sign up, when people understood how to appropriately use Facebook. It wasn’t called “I have feelings-book,” “Therapy-book,” or even “Look at me-book.” It was Facebook. A place where you could semi-stalk anyone who you had a statistics class with.

Then came the pictures. Then came the status updates. Then came the parents. Then it all went to shit.

I write this out of a deep love and addiction to Facebook, one that causes me to endure the social-media-socially-challenged friends who flood my feed every day with way too much information about their life. But (Facebook) friends, it’s time for a etiquette book on what to post on Facebook and when. Don’t worry - I’m about to write (part of) it for you.

All of this is based on the assumption that the majority of your Facebook friends are not your actual, close friends. Fair, yes? There are many “friends” on there that when their birthday pops up, you think to yourself, “Is it weird if I wish this person a happy birthday out of the blue?” That is not an actual friend. This is not someone you reach out to with personal tragedy or to debate politics.

Even wishing someone a happy birthday once a year and sporadically liking something witty that they say is not an actual friend. You have actual friends phone numbers programmed in your cell. You e-mail with actual friends. You even see them in person every now and then. You know what’s going on in their lives beyond what “life event” updates you see, or photos with a ring on it. Those are actual friends. Those are the people who, if you have something deeply painful going on in your life, you reach out to for comfort. Not the Internet.

And that’s ok. That’s what social media is. But knowing this - it’s time to chill on how much you share of your life story - and the life stories of those around you - to the Internet. Things you share with the internet - whether funny, informative, heartwarming, whatever - should really fall under the “you might find this interesting” category.

For anything that doesn’t fall under the “you might find this interesting” category, a good rule of thumb is pretend you are posting “Pay attention to me because…” before your status update…because that’s what you’re saying. Then pretend you are sending an e-mail to the hundreds/thousands of people who read your status - or said it out loud in a room in front of them - and reassess what you are going to post. Would you really feel comfortable e-mailing the 500 people closest to you with, “Pay attention to me because I got dumped,” “Pay attention to me because I’ve had a death in my family,” or “Pay attention to me because of my un-researched political opinions?”

If you’re having trouble with that answer, let me help you. No: you should not feel comfortable with that.

To review: the internet amuses you, and you it. Friends, family and therapists comfort you.

Let’s apply this principle into practice, shall we?

Loss of a family member: This hits particularly close to home, as I recently learned of my grandfather’s death…on Facebook. The “Pay attention to me because…I lost a family member” post was up before it was reasonable to assume that all other efforts had been exercised to notify loved ones. I’m the oldest of 19 cousins on my dad’s side, and my dad is the oldest of 7 kids (Irish Catholic - obvs). So do that math - add in in laws, and that’s already 33 people that need to be notified before you even get around to more distant family, friends, colleagues, close acquaintances. To post a “Pay attention to me because…” so soon after a family member died is beyond selfish. Are the supportive comments and likes really worth it?

If they really are, to you, at least wait for the official obituary - which is when it’s appropriate for strangers and distant acquaintances to know your family tragedy.

Illness in your family: See above. While you might not be a private person, your posts about your family affect everyone else in the family. Perhaps a more private cousin does not want the world to know your aunt is terminally ill, and loathes the shallow Facebook comments it will evoke. Oh - and the sick relative: did they request a press release on their illness? No? Then stop.

Political debates: Post at your own risk. Just know that it better be really well researched, because the internet is about to call you out. Wherever will they find the fact checks? Oh right: THE INTERNET.

You got dumped: Change your relationship status, and that’s it. If at all possible, set it so that it doesn’t come up on a newsfeed. Unless you really want to look back on a lot of comments that look like :( :( OMG SO sorry :( :( and a few random (awkward) likes. Facebook is not the place to air your relationship woes. It’s the past to post pictures of you looking fabulous post break-up (natch) - that will say enough.

Your having an event: You get ONE post. And ONE reminder. And ONLY to people who live within reasonable driving distance to said event. If I live in LA, I’m not coming to your show in Boston. Yes, you.

That’s what you get. That’s it. Feel free to e-mail your friends as many times as you want about it.

You did something impressive and want everyone to know: If you must: one post. One. Not the same post over and over, or a variation of the post with the same link. One. Post. Then go do something else impressive, and you can post about it again.

Financial trouble: No one wants to hear it. They just don’t. Unless your financial trouble warrants a Kickstarter account to raise money, it’s unnecessary, and makes everyone uber uncomfortable.

Arguments and apologies: E-mail. Direct Message. Anything other than posting a comment.

Your emotions: This is what a diary is for. They are relatively inexpensive. If you look back weeks later, and something you wrote in said diary would be profoundly useful to your social network, you can post it then. Just…don’t post emotions when you’re feeling them. It’s a cry for attention…that goes out to strangers.

What am I missing? This Facebook etiquette book seems short for so many offenses…I’m sure there is more to come.

Always double check that you are wearing your clothing correctly

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 23:32:35 -0800

Although most people learned how to dress themselves early in childhood, it’s never a bad time for a quick refresher.

There are two main principles one should note when they get dressed.

Clothing should be facing the right direction.
Clothing should be right side in.

To help with these principles, one should note that zippers go in the front for pants, and (typically) in the back for skirts or dresses. Tags go in the back, and on the inside.

I know all of these things.

Yet, there I was this evening, front row in a Pop Physique class, gym class hero, showing off my perfect form in front of everyone…in an inside out and backwards tank top. From Target.

How did this happen?

To start with, tags don’t always stick out anymore. They are printed on the shirt. Clothing is tricky like that these days.

Secondly, tank tops are pretty much the same shape whether forward or backwards. Perhaps just a bit higher in the back…which was in the front this evening…which was how I noticed it.

A quick tip on prevention: look in the mirror before leaving the house.

Should you forget this tip and find yourself in an inside out and backwards anything, you just have to own it. That’s what I did, and I’m pretty sure that’s what Anne Hathaway was doing in that backwards necklace she paired with her ~~Party of Five prom~~ Academy Awards dress on Sunday.

I think we both worked it.

Take the Thrift Shop Thursdays Challenge!

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 15:22:13 -0800

Right around the thousandth time I heard Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” today, I thought to myself, “Why on earth am I still listening to terrestrial radio?” and “Why don’t I ever go thrift shopping?” I haven’t come up with an answer to the terrestrial radio of it all, yet, but I have decided that if those bozos can make a chart topper out of Goodwill, I can make a weekend outfit there. Right?

Mmmm…sort of. It’s a little harder and more time intensive than the 4-minute song would have you believe. But - with the new “Thrift Shop Thursdays” challenge I’ve given myself (which may or may not happen on a Thursday…I just like the alliteration), I’m going to master it. And you should too. Thrift shopping is cheap (duh), environmental and basically like living in a Project Runway episode, minus the sewing, plus a weird smell.

Official rules of Thrift Shop Thursday: buy a full outfit, including accessories (BUT NOT SHOES) to be worn over the weekend for under $25 at a thrift shop. You win this challenge by getting more compliments than “WTF” looks when in said outfit.

Here’s how to make your Thrift Shop Thursday challenge a success:

Give yourself exactly one hour. You’ll need the time to sift through the piles (Goodwill makes the clearance rack at Nordstrom Rack look organized), but if you stay in there any longer, you might go crazy.

Don’t expect a perfect fit - get ready to belt it.

That said - don’t buy anything that is going to need significant alterations to wear it.

Ditto dry clean only outfits - unless it’s the OMG-who-gave-this-Chanel-jacket-to-Goodwill item, it defeats the purpose of the cheap.

Definitely check out the costume jewelry. The weirder, the better.

Just because it’s cheap, doesn’t mean you need it.

Avoid anything originally purchased at Target, H&M, Forever 21 and all other chains not known for their quality. If you want to get something from Target, just go and pay the $15 for it at Target. The discount stuff that made it to Goodwill is on it’s last wear.

If finding an entire outfit intimidates you, focus on one piece to complete an outfit. Maybe make it a mission to find that perfect vest to complement the outfit you’re wearing to whatever picnic Silverlake is throwing this week.

Use this as a chance to (try to) pull off a look you’re typically too conservative to wear. If the neon floral print romper ends up being a dud, at least it was $9.

Reallllllly think about other people’s foot sweat before you commit to that pair of cowboy boots. You wore flip flops in the shower for four years: this is very similar.

Unless you’re going to a speciality vintage dealer (that will charge you waaaay more than a Salvo), don’t expect to find a perfect condition Alexander McQueen dress that someone dropped off in a garbage bag because they outgrew it. (Most) people aren’t idiots, and are selling the designer duds on Ebay. Good for you if you find the designer diamond in the rough, but don’t limit yourself to “As Seen in Vogue” items.

Overalls are not coming back. Ever. Ditto jelly shoes and platform flip flops. Any runway show telling you otherwise is honestly fucking with you. It’s not nice, but either is Anna Wintour.

Wash before wearing. Seriously.

Think to yourself: WWBD? (What Would Blossom Do?). Don’t do that.

In following my own advice, tonight I will either totally rock my first Thrift Shop Thursday Challenge Outfit, or soak in the “WTF is she wearing” looks like a champ. That’s what champagne is for, anyway.

Take a sit shower

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 12:45:01 -0800

I can’t remember when this started, but I sit in the shower. Exclusively. Not like in one of those shower chairs for the old and infirm, or even on a bench in a spa shower: I sit on the floor of the shower. The whole time, other than final rinse - which is best done standing.

It might have started because I find it borderline dangerous to shave my legs standing up in the shower. Are people really doing that on one leg? It could have also been after a long run, where standing for another 10 minutes just seems foolish. Sit shower solves those problems.

This concept tends to startle people when they first hear about it, but so did space travel. I would argue that, while similarly revolutionary, sit shower has done more for my life than space travel ever will (RIP NASA Space Program).

Everyone loves a good shower. Everyone loves a good relaxing sit. So ipso facto: Everyone will LOVE sit shower. You’re going to wonder why you ever stood in the shower to begin with!

At this point, those that haven’t stopped reading because they think my sit shower movement is weird in a “Law & Order: SVU” scene sort of way might still be thinking, “If you’re too lazy to stand in the shower, why not just take a bath?”

Baths are ok in theory, especially those that include bubbles. The problem, however, is that you end up sitting in a pool of your own filth (which I could get past) and - unless you have a fancy bath with jets or whatever porn-ish technology keeps your bath at a consistent temperature - it get luke warm really quickly. That I simply cannot accept.

Sit shower is the obvious way to go.

Some tips for a successful sit shower:

Only…only…ONLY attempt sit shower in your own shower. This should go without saying, but I would hate to be sued for your fungal infections. Anywhere where you would even remotely consider wearing shower shoes is not an appropriate venue for a sit shower.

Make sure all of your shower needs are within reach. There is nothing WORSE when taking a shower than having to stand to get a razor, shampoo or a loofah. Nothing. Worse. Other than standing the whole time.

Increase the temperature about five degrees higher than in a stand shower. I don’t know the science behind this, but the water feels slightly colder in sit shower. Maybe it’s because it has further to go.

Before you sit, splash some warm water on the shower wall where you will be leaning. This will make for a far more pleasant sit shower, and will reduce the risk of a chilled back.

Consider investing in the sit shower chair typically reserved for the elderly or those with disabilities. I’ve considered it, and I do have a big birthday coming up. Some super affordable ones can be found at Walmart.

Other than that, just enjoy your sit shower. You can join the movement at sitshower.com*

*Did you really think you could join a sit shower movement?

Do something that terrifies you

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 14:50:01 -0800

It tends to be rewarding.

Here’s the deal. If something is terrifying, but it’s somehow also compelling you to do it, it’s probably important. Why else would you want to do something scary? In real life, no one is the moron that goes down to the basement because they hear a noise…unless they expect that noise is something life changing, like an ice cream machine left by the previous owners.*

Even if it’s dark and scary, it’s always worth going to the basement if you think an ice cream machine might be down there. There’s no ice cream upstairs…unless you have a freezer. I’ll be the first to admit this metaphor doesn’t hold water. Or ice cream.

A year ago, I quit my job to pursue writing on a professional level. This was terrifying on a lot of levels. The first, and most obvious, was the financial. I didn’t exactly have a “plan” as to how I would “pay for things” like “rent” or “ice cream.”

The second was that for the whole of my 20’s, I largely defined myself by my career. The new identity as a self-slash-un-employed 29 year old did not have an impressive ring to it.

The final - and in retrospect scariest - was that following a dream and failing can be so much more soul crushing than lamenting “what could have been.” A lot of people talk about how awful it would be to wake up when you’re 40/50/60/insert new scary age here having never followed your dream. What no one really delves into, though, is what happens if you actually give that dream a shot…and fail.

That possibility still lingers over me, but it’s less scary now that I’m fighting it, and not just the idea of it.

So whatever your actual scary thing is, do it. Unless it’s actually going down into the basement to investigate a noise. Don’t be an idiot.

*Unrelated advice: eat lunch before you write. Or you’ll just end up writing about ice cream.

Get Rid of Your Post-Valentine's Day Hangover

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 15:57:57 -0800

Whether out on a date, boozing with the gals, or at home with a bottle (or two) of wine, there is a good chance that your Valentine’s Day activities led to a brutal February 15th. Never fear: through many years of trial and error, I have come up with the cure for the common hangover. It’s more like a 12-step program. Not the 12-step program we should probably be in, but a 12-step program, nonetheless.

Step 1: Wake up feeling like death about 2 hours before you’d like to wake up. Lament the Excedrin recall.

Step 2: Drink a glass of water. Stop halfway through because it reminds you too much of alcohol

Step 3: Shuffle around the house aimlessly until the room stops spinning.

Step 4: Watch a TV show that requires little brain power (I recommend anything on Bravo).

Step 5: Decide you are really going to take back this day, and get yourself to a pressed juice place. Order something green mixed with some sort of banana and protein substance. Commend yourself on your healthy choices and get ready to attack your to do list.

Step 6: Immediately take a 1.5 - 2 hour nap.

Step 7: Wake up feeling a little less like death. The pain should be easier to categorize and treat now. Take a handful of TUMS (with calcium: healthy!) and 5 Ibuprofen. Lament the recall on Excedrin again.

Step 8: Research why Excedrin still isn’t available. Decide that the root causes don’t seem that bad, and vow to stock up on some black market Excederin for the next time. And there will be a next time.

Step 9: Drink a Diet Coke (preferably fountain).

Step 10: Track down some McDonalds. Wear your sunglasses inside so that no can identify who to judge. Pretend you’re reading off of a list of multiple orders and order 2 cheeseburgers, a medium fry, 10 McNuggets and another Diet Coke. Do not order the shake, even if it’s Shamrock. Show some restraint. Shame eat your entire order in the privacy of your own car.

Step 11: Go to a low-impact exercise class that accepts curling into a ball at any moment. So…yoga. Go to yoga. Curl into a ball as needed.

Step 12: Drink several more gallons of water, which has finally stopped reminding you of alcohol. Congratulations: 12 hours later, you are no longer severely hungover.

Some retroactive advice:

On Valentine’s Day - or any day, really - don’t start the night with a whiskey cocktail at home, move on to a Pisco cocktail at the bar, order the 7 course wine pairing (that inexplicably starts with Sherry and includes a whiskey sour shot in the middle), knock back a coffee “to keep the night going” and end the night with a vodka cocktail…unless you wish to feel like death the next morning.

Celebrate Galentines Day!

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 11:50:54 -0800

Alright, alright. No need to cue Beyonce’s “Single Ladies,” (unless you really want to) or Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” (oh hell, cue it!), but take a day to celebrate the ladies in your life: Knope-style. For those not familiar with “Parks and Recreation,” we’ll wait while you catch up on the last 5 seasons.

…

The best, right!? Beyond the general hilarity of the show, “Parks & Rec” brought Galentine’s Day to our life. Galentine’s Day, which is officially February 13, is the day ladies come together to celebrate their lady relationships. It’s a million times easier to get a restaurant ressie than it is on Valentine’s Day, there’s no pre fixe tasting menus of mass produced “sweetheart” food, and - best yet- EVERYONE gets to celebrate it together! Except dudes. Obviously.

But truly. Valentine’s Day brings with it this divisive element between the coupled ladies guiltily looking forward to a dinner with their guy (or gal - duh I voted for Obama), and the single ladies who spend the evening drinking wine and watching movies/Bravo/Girls together. On Galentine’s Day, on the other hand, we can all drink wine together!

If you missed planning for the holiday this year, I grant you permission to observe Galentine’s Day on the 15th. Just get your shit together for next year, because Galentine’s Day is here to stay.

Don't buy natural toothpaste

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 11:23:00 -0800

There’s no need to go too deep into this one, but…just don’t buy natural toothpaste. Even if you’re at Trader Joe’s, and getting to CVS from there requires crossing that busy 6-way intersection that is La Cienega/San Vicente/Burton Way. It’s worth risking the certain death if you read the street signs wrong at said intersection. Natural toothpaste is the worst. It tastes like if baking soda fused with garbage and an Altoid.

On that note, some unsolicited advice to Trader Joe’s: carry Crest! Even those of us that get way annoyed when you’re out of organic kale have no desire to put that baking soda bullshit anywhere near our mouths. And don’t get me started on natural deodorant….

Only use Safari if you're ok with being old

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 11:35:34 -0800

At some point, apparently, Safari became the internet browser for old people. I am hearing that this happened around 5 years ago. Totally missed it.

If you missed this as well, catch up. Using Safari is the equivalent of having an aol e-mail address, Yahoo as your homepage, or e-mails sent out with “—Sent from my AT&T Blackberry/T-Mobile Sidekick/Sprint Anything” post-signature line.

You may think, “Sure, but no one knows I use Safari. There’s no proof! I’m a closet Safari user because I can’t figure out how to change my default browser!”

This may be true…for awhile. Then you’ll find yourself having trouble checking out while online shopping one day. You’ll call the customer service hotline…and they’ll ask you “What browser are you using?”

Shamefully, you’ll have to tell them Safari. To which you’ll be told “Oh, yeah: Safari users” - which they say in a tone that you know they mean “the elderly,” - “often experience that issue. Our site is optimized for FireFox, Google Chrome and young people.”

(Alternatively: “Yeah - pay your credit card bill.”)

So there it is. As any online customer service rep will condescendingly tell you: Safari is a thing of the past. I’ll never know nor care about the reasons why, but prepare to experience the side effects of agism if your closeted Safari usage goes public.

—written on my Safari Browser because I’m almost 30.

Solicit some Unsolicited Advice

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 15:18:00 -0800

(It doesn’t have to make sense)

Have a problem? Need some advice? Do you prefer your advice to be snarky and occasionally insulting?

That’s weird…but let’s celebrate it! I want to solve your problems…or at least entertain you with my take on them.

E-mail me at adviceunsolicitedrequests@gmail.com. We’ll work it out.

(Note: I am not a licensed doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, veterinarian, writer, moderator, psychic, marriage counselor, guidance counselor, substance abuse counselor, CPA, Notary Public or anything that requires a license…other than a driver. On that note, I grossly misspelled Notary Public for most of my life).